she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
