shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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