I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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