Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
