how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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