You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
