If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize