I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
