And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
