no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
