I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
