Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
