you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
