We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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