shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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