We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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