you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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