I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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