i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
