I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
