You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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