What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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