Midget sex pt 2 tonight
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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