Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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