If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
