apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Randomize
