All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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