you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
