I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
