can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
