You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
