my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
