I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
