I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
