i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
