he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
