I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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