I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
