He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
