I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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