Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
