I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
