Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
