We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
This is my gift to your gina
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Randomize
