Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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