we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
