If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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