eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
