you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
