Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize