If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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