dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
