I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
this just has baby written all over it
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
