**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Alive.
So much puke
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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