Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize