I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
