i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
