i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
