Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
